401k Pick Up Line To Crypto: Nice Asset 👍️

OVERVIEW
401k Pick Up Line To Crypto: Nice Asset 👍️

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:

And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:

NEWS
401(k)s Just Got an Alt-Asset Cheat Code 😎

President Trump’s newest executive order kicks the gate wide open for cryptocurrencies, private equity, and even commercial real estate to stroll into America’s $8-plus trillion 401(k) playground. 😱 

The Fine Print Nobody Reads

• What happened: The order tells the Labor Department to dust off ERISA rules so plan sponsors can slip “alternative assets” into your retirement menu without triggering fiduciary heart attacks.

• Who’s smiling: Private-market giants and crypto firms that spent years drooling over that mountain of tax-advantaged cash. Early birds BlackRock and Empower already built target-date funds with a 5-20 % private slice, launching 2026.

• Why now: Trump’s first-term Labor letter green-lit private assets back in 2020, Biden’s crew nodded along, and today’s order makes the whole thing look official instead of “interpretive.”

Expect custodians to trot out shiny “diversified” wrappers that hide 2-and-20 spreads behind lifestyle-fund branding. If you can’t spot the sucker in the expense table, congrats - it might be you.

Quick Reality Checks

1. Liquidity? Quarterly windows at best. Forget panic selling during the next “crypto winter.”

2. Transparency? Monthly marks from PE general partners are the financial equivalent of Instagram filters.

3. Volatility? Bitcoin’s purpose as peer-to-peer, censor-resistant money is cool; watching it swing 15% before lunch inside your soon-to-be-retired parents’ nest egg is another vibe entirely.

Pass the popcorn, because the first down-cycle test is going to be savag. 🎢 

DEFI
PancakeSwap Launches Stock Perps for AAPL, AMZN, TSLA 🥞

PancakeSwap just tossed AAPL, AMZN, and TSLA onto its perp desk, letting anyone punt on tech blue-chips straight from a wallet. 😎

Spec Sheet

• Up to 25x leverage on Apple, Amazon, Tesla

• Fully on-chain on BNB Chain - no custodians, no KYC nags

• Market hours only (13:30-20:00 UTC, Mon-Fri)

• Trade long or short, collect funding, flip positions without leaving DeFi

Perps

Traders have begged for “stocks on-chain” since the first DEX order book. This finally answers the call. These perpetuals mirror Wall Street prices (like CFDs) yet settle in crypto, parking your Apple bet next to your memecoins.

Want to fade Tesla’s next robo-taxi hype? Smash the short. Think Amazon’s cloud cash keeps stacking? Lean 25x long. Positions live in your wallet, immune to TradFi gatekeepers who love halting trades when things get spicy.

But, for the love of God, be aware of leverage. I always here people talk bout leverage as a double edged sword.

It’s not.

Leverage is more like juggling chainsaws on a pogo stick over a kiddie pool filled with piranhas. 🐟️ 

NEWS
Salomon’s Wallet Cleanup Crew - Clever, Greedy, & Pathetic 🤦 

Here’s some straight up legal thievery in waiting dressed up altruism - but it’s like they ChatGPT’d how to claim something that isn’t theirs. 🙄 

Salomon Brothers just tried gate-crashed the blockchain, sprinkling dust notes on long-dead addresses then calling it “public service.” Cute. A tiny OP_RETURN memo here, a 90-day ultimatum there, and suddenly they’re the self-appointed janitors of crypto’s abandoned attic.

Here’s The Hustle

• Legal cosplay. Fire a transaction into any wallet, claim you “contacted the owner,” wait three months, then stride into court waving your “due diligence” badge.

• Quantum scare tactic. Hype the boogeyman of rogue states cracking SHA-256 tomorrow, pretend you’re the only thing standing between HODLers and Armageddon.

• Future salvage rights. They can’t touch a sat today, but paperwork ages like fine wine. One court stamp later and they’re first in line when tech finally pries open grandpa’s cold storage.

Yeah, the maneuver is clever. Sharks usually are.

But let’s call it what it is - a greedy land grab dressed up as altruism. They’re betting most holders either lost the keys or lost interest, so the firm can scoop the leftovers without ever solving the math. Zero risk, unlimited upside, and a press release polished enough to blind regulators for a news cycle.

Transparently Ethically Pathetic

Salomon Brothers sent this presser out this morning, and in it, it explains the reasoning for the presser:

Salomon Brothers is publicly announcing this initiative at this juncture following completion of the distribution of notices into wallets. Unfortunately, in advance of this announcement, some bloggers and some coin media incorrectly speculated about the notices and the motive of the sender. This announcement is intended in part to address any concerns due to these inaccurate claims.

In other words, people called out these wolves in sheep’s clothing for the snake tactic that it is - and the best these guys could come up with in a damage control meeting was, “WAIT, LET’S JUST TELL EVERYONE WE’RE DOING IT BECAUSE WE CARE.”

Pro Tip For Hucksters

• Crypto people are naturally and notoriously suspicious of altruism.

• Crypto people are naturally and notoriously suspicious of everything.

• You don’t “protect” the ecosystem by angling for other people’s coins.

• Threatening quantum doom just to justify a fishing expedition is straight fear-marketing.

• Real stewards build tools or fund open-source security. Salomon sent spam.

Best response is simple: laugh. Because no matter how slick the legal strategy, cryptography still refuses to hand over the keys. 🗝️

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
AI, Stablecoins, & Privacy News 🕵️

🤖 DeXe Wants Reputation Scores to Rule AI, Not Politicians with Whitepapers

Wulf Kaal’s governance blueprint swaps slow laws for on-chain WDAG graphs where bad actors lose voting rights faster than they can lobby. DeXe’s merit-weighted voting already echoes this “earn your voice” mantra. Watching token whales fight for ethical clout could be better than Netflix. DeXe Network.

🔒 COTI Offers Private Perp Trades so Another $100M Wynn Meltdown Stays Fiction

CZ asked for a dark-pool DEX - COTI just dimmed the lights. Their garbled-circuit magic hides order flow and neuters front-running, a direct clapback to Hyperliquid’s public liquidation circus. No more cabals sniping your stop prices in broad daylight. COTI Network.

🤝 ZetaChain and Google Cloud Launch Buildathon for AI-Powered Universal Apps

Dev teams have until August 24 to mix Gemini 2.5 agents with Zeta’s cross-chain contracts for a $9K prize and cloud credits. Ideas span voice-controlled BTC yield moves to intent-based swaps stitched across Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Solana. Silicon Valley vibes meet chain abstraction - time to code or cope. ZetaChain.

💳 Alchemy Pay Nabs Tenth US Money License and Keeps On-Ramping Everything That Breathes

South Carolina joined nine other states while Hong Kong licenses add global flavor; partnerships range from Ondo’s USDY to Maker’s new Sky stack. Contests, quizzes, and ACH giveaways pepper the community calendar. If there’s a fiat gateway Alchemy hasn’t integrated yet, give it a week. AlchemyPay.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Metaverse, NFT, & Gaming News 🎮️

🎮 ROM: Golden Age Hits 4 Million Pre-Regs, Promises Swap Pools Before You Even Grind

Four million gamers apparently love paperwork almost as much as loot drops. WEMADE’s Web3 MMORPG will let players stake CROM for CRYSTAL and swap tokens for USDC.e - all revealed in AMA number three. Pre-download opens August 11 ahead of global launch a day later. WEMIX.

🌉 GalaChain Punches Through China’s Great NFT Wall with Trusted Copyright Chain Deal

First foreign chain to plug into Beijing’s official asset ledger, giving 600 million gamers a legal bridge and burning GALA on every transfer. Shrapnel dumped Avalanche to ride the new rails, pledging buybacks tied to Chinese revenue. Cross-border compliance never looked so on-chain… and so inflationary-negative. GalaGames.

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
DeFi, DEX, & Lending Protocol News 🏦

🦊 MetaMask Lands on Sei, Brings 100 Million Wallets to the Fastest L1 Hype Train

One tap now lets fox-headed users swap, bridge, and even buy with Apple Pay straight on Sei. The network’s DAU count blasted from 1.3 K to 900 K in a year and just inherited the biggest wallet megaphone in crypto. Sei.

🚀 Jito Drops BAM and JitoSOL Lands in a US ETF

Block Assembly Marketplace hands devs plugin access to Solana’s scheduler for tricks like blockspace futures and cancel-order priority. Anchorage custody, ETF inclusion, and juicy ecosystem incentives round out the July flex. Pretty wild month for a protocol named after a sandwich topping. Jito.

🐕 Shiba Inu Schedules Elections, Wants a Whale President to Run Its $7B Dog State

Shytoshi says full decentralization means picking an interim visionary through three token-weighted votes, KYC, and a veto option - so, democracy with extra steps. Councils, constitutions, and economic committees loom over 4 million barking voters. Shiba Inu.

LINKS
Links That Don’t Suck 🔗

🤽 Ripple secures strategic acquisition to boost payment infrastructure

🤔 Binance founder Changpeng Zhao seeks dismissal of FTX estate's $1.76 billion clawback lawsuit

🌪️ Tornado Cash creator Roman Storm found guilty on money transmitting charge: Inner City Press

🤖 OpenAI GPT-5 launch LIVE: All the big ChatGPT news as it happens

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Author Disclosure: The author of this newsletter holds positions in ADA, IMX, COPI, MIN, AGIX, ALGO, ZEC, XLM, and NEAR. 📋