OVERVIEW

FARTCOIN: The Scent Of Victory 💨

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:

And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:

TECHNICAL ANALYSIS
FARTCOIN Cuts One Loose FTW 🦨 

While Trump's tariffs have markets clogged worse than a truck-stop burrito, one crypto is letting it rip without a care: FARTCOIN. 💩 

$FARTCOIN.X ( ▲ 0.99% ) isn't just squeaking by - it's blasting past everything else, floating upwards despite the stink of economic doom. And it’s sentiment score from Stocktwits users, while neutral, is light years better than pretty much everything else.

Turns out, when markets are backed up, investors prefer an asset with a little gas in the tank; and while everything else goes straight down the toilet, FARTCOIN is wafting effortlessly above the chaos. 🚽

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Crypto News 📰

🏛️ US Agencies Must Report Crypto Holdings Today, but Treasury Keeps It Under Wraps

U.S. federal agencies have a deadline today to report their crypto holdings directly to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent - but don't get your hopes up for transparency. Trump's executive order mandating a "Strategic Bitcoin Reserve," everyone wants to know if Uncle Sam is stacking $XRP.X ( ▲ 1.67% ) or $ADA.X ( ▲ 2.44% ), but the details are set to stay classified, annoying pretty much everyone. CryptoNews.

😈 Crypto Scammer Gets Liquidated for $27M—Karma Finally Logs In

The scammer behind the ZkCasino Ponzi just got crushed by a $27 million liquidation after betting big (20x leverage) on ETH and losing spectacularly. This joker previously stole $40 million promising investors quick riches, then promptly vanished into Lido Finance - now the market has exacted some poetic justice. Finbold.

📉 Fed May Be Forced into Emergency Rate Cut

JPMorgan’s Bob Michele thinks the Fed might not even make it to their scheduled May meeting without cutting interest rates, following Trump's tariff-induced stock market nosedive that vaporized $5 trillion. Michele basically told the Fed they can't afford to wait and watch businesses implode - an emergency rate cut might be needed right now to stop the bleeding. Trump wanted lower rates to offset his trade war; not so ironically, he might just get them. CryptoBriefing.

📺 Pump.fun Reboots Controversial Livestreaming Feature in Desperate Bid for Clicks

Pump.fun is bringing back livestreaming to revive activity but don’t expect the return of the wild-west antics that made it infamous last year. After creators literally livestreamed criminal activity to shill meme tokens, Pump.fun has introduced stricter moderation rules, banning violence, illegal acts, and basically everything else that made the original streams “popular.” Revenue has tanked 87% since peak degeneracy, so let’s see if moderation can bring back clicks without the crimes. SolanaFloor.

🐳 Ethereum Whales Gobble Up $60M in ETH as Price Plunges to Two-Year Lows

ETH whales just dropped $60 million into the asset as it plummeted 17% overnight, proving once again that someone always has cash to burn when crypto crashes. The mysterious "7 Siblings" led the charge, grabbing over 25k $ETH.X ( ▲ 0.43% ) and immediately parking it in $AAVE.X ( ▲ 0.81% ) - clearly thinking long-term despite ETH being down over 50% year-over-year. While some declare Ethereum "completely dead," whales seem to smell blood in the water or maybe just a screaming good deal. CryptoPotato.

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