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OVERVIEW

This Market Bites Harder Than A Hangry Vampire 🧛

Before we dive in, here’s today’s crypto market heatmap:

And here’s a look at crypto’s total market and altcoin market cap charts:

NEWS IN THREE SENTENCES
Crypto News 📰

🚀 Stellar Q4: Billions, But Who’s Counting?

They moved 18 billion operations, tossed around $32B in payments, and even roped in the UNHCR for good measure. It’s a real “let’s fix the world with frictionless finance” vibe, all while network fees barely break $126k. Call it altruism or a hustle; either way, Stellar’s padding its resume for the next bull run. Stellar blog.

⚖️ Law Firms Tell PumpFun to Dump Those Tokens

Burwick Law and Wolf Popper want PumpFun to yank “Dogshit2” and any other wannabe tokens using their names or logos. They’re accusing PumpFun of impersonation, intellectual property theft, and pushing a hype coin that’s basically pure nonsense. So far, PumpFun has shrugged it off. AltcoinBuzz.

👮 Ransomware Catches A Beatdown

Law enforcement slapped down cyber extortionists so hard this year that ransom payments nosedived by 35%. Larger groups got wrecked, while smaller crooks jumped in to target mid-tier victims who’re stingier with payouts. Either way, more people said “no thanks,” which is a huge win for anyone tired of having their data held hostage. Chainalysis.

🕵️ Coinbase Says Satoshi May Have Hung Around Until 2014

Conor Grogan claims Bitcoin’s mastermind likely sent coins to a Canadian exchange, CaVirtEx, hinting the big mystery dude might have been active well after that 2011 mic drop email. He even hinted that Kraken’s Jesse Powell might have the mother of all KYC secrets. The real punchline is that everyone at Kraken responded with “We are all Satoshi”. The Block.

🏙️ Fetch.ai’s AI Agents Promise City-Wide Traffic Zen

They’re plugging AI into traffic lights, vehicles, and crosswalks, hoping your commute won’t feel like a Dante-level punishment. The plan is a labyrinth of autonomous negotiations, resource optimization, and machine-learning overlays. If it all works, we’ll have fewer traffic jams—assuming your city can handle “multi-agent synergy” without blowing a fuse. Fetch.ai blog.

🧭 IO Research’s Five-Year Cardano Brainstorm

IO Research wants Cardano to morph into a “world’s operating system,” and they’re pushing Ouroboros Omega, zero-knowledge proofs, and more to make it happen. Their new 2025 Work Program is all about building unstoppable, self-sovereign blockchain tech with a boatload of papers and big talk about democracy and interoperability. Input Output.

💸 EmpiresX Ringleaders Hammered With $130M Penalty

A Florida judge just nailed the founders of EmpiresX for a $40 million crypto scam that funded their lavish lifestyles. They’re banned from U.S. markets for good measure, but two of them fled to Brazil, where extradition is basically a joke. Their associate, who stuck around, pleaded guilty and will be paying a hefty sum while thinking about his life choices. Courlistener.

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